Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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183 practices

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Do one small, slightly ridiculous thing together.

A shared bit of play refreshes a couple more than another serious conversation can.

Five minutesAffection and touchCoreQur’an 2:187One line of research

Ask plainly: name the facts, say how you feel, say what you want, in a few clear sentences.

Drop the hinting. State the situation, your feeling, and the request. Clear is kind.

Five minutesAsk and say no wellDBT skillsQur’an 17:53One line of research

There is a particular good feeling in getting out of something you were dreading. Give it a name at home, because it is exactly what makes tomorrow harder.

Children recognise this straight away when it is put plainly: the lovely feeling when you find out you do not have to go. Adults know it too, in the…

Five minutesThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 3:142One line of research

Give the ladder a name that sounds like yours. Challenges you set yourself land completely differently from tasks you have been handed.

Write the steps out with whoever is helping rather than receiving a finished list. The words matter more than they should: a challenge invites you to…

Five minutesBeing seen and judgedCBTQur’an 5:54One line of research

Being articulate is not the same as being alright. Plenty of people who talk easily one to one are barely holding it together in the rooms that actually frighten them.

This is where families and clinicians get it wrong most often. Someone speaks well in a quiet office, so the fear gets marked down as mild, and the…

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

Equanimity and perspective

Exercise, food and other supports

When you use something to cope

Tolerate distress

Food, caffeine and fuel

Shared spiritual life

What ADHD actually is

Structure and routine

What worry does

Shame

Your sense of time

When everything feels flat

Grounding and settling

Feelings and focus

Emotions as signals

Cool the body first

Being seen and judged

Treatment and medication

Getting assessed and diagnosed

Get started

Living with uncertainty

Repair after rupture

Rest and pacing

Affection and touch

What you are actually defending

Posture and how you carry yourself

The cost of avoiding

Practising under provocation

Help someone grieving

Five minutesBeing seen and judgedNarrativeQur’an 40:19One line of research

If the deadline is six weeks off and you can really only see three days ahead, do not try to grow the horizon. Move the deadline closer with a checkpoint.

A five minute catch-up with someone every couple of days does more than a beautifully drawn plan for the whole six weeks. In work with little…

Five minutesBringing the future closerADHD skillsQur’an 84:19One line of research

When you ask a manager for regular check-ins, ask for them as a way of staying pointed in the right direction. That is a different conversation from asking to be watched.

Something like: could we take five minutes twice a week, so I can be sure I am working on what matters most to you. You are the one proposing it, so…

Five minutesBringing the future closerADHD skillsQur’an 9:105One line of research

'It's bad for your health' and 'grades matter later' move nobody, least of all someone who has never seen what either one looks like.

If you want a future to carry any weight, it has to be pictured rather than stated. What does the day look like. Who is in the room. What is…

Five minutesBringing the future closerADHD skillsQur’an 87:17One line of research

Ask people how it went. How was that meeting, how am I doing, what did you make of it. Nobody enjoys asking, and the information is not available any other way.

Ask one specific person about one specific thing rather than the room in general. If your read on yourself has been bent out of shape by years of…

Five minutesBringing the future closerADHD skillsQur’an 65:3One line of research

Someone who will tell you the part that was not good is someone whose 'that was fine' you can believe. That is what settles the doubt, not reassurance.

Blanket praise carries no information, so it slides off and the doubt is back within the hour. If you tend to worry about how you came across, ask…

Five minutesBringing the future closerADHD skillsQur’an 99:8One line of research

If the only real deadline is the fortnightly meeting, invent some smaller ones. A couple of short catch-ups a week will do more for the work than the formal review ever does.

Ask for them as something that helps you, because it is true and it also lands better: five minutes on Tuesday and Thursday keeps me pointed at the…

Five minutesBringing the future closerADHD skillsQur’an 84:19One line of research

If you are helping someone set up a practice like this, ask them for ideas before you offer yours. Keep a few in your back pocket for when they run dry.

What people invent for themselves fits their actual life, and they are far more likely to do it. Have suggestions ready anyway, because a brainstorm…

Five minutesChoosing your responseCoreQur’an 3:159One line of research

Offer a practice as a question rather than an instruction. What do you think it would be like to wake yourself up once a day? That is a very different sentence from you should.

People argue with instructions, particularly people who were sent rather than came. A question leaves them to make the case, and the case they make…

Five minutesChoosing your responseCoreQur’an 16:125One line of research

You can tell someone they have hurt you without your voice showing it. The message and the heat come apart, and it is usually the heat that stops the message being heard.

Worth saying, because plenty of people believe the only options are swallowing it or letting it out. There is a third, which is saying the whole hard…

Five minutesChoosing your responseCBTQur’an 17:53One line of research

Open with the difficulty instead of the accusation. "This is hard for me to say" and "I am worried you will not like this" buy you a hearing that "you always" never will.

Two things happen at once when you start this way. The other person stops preparing a defence, because nothing has been thrown at them yet. And you…

Five minutesChoosing your responseCBTQur’an 16:125One line of research

Under the anger there is usually something you wanted and did not get, or something you are afraid of losing. Say that, and you have handed the other person something they can actually do.

"You never help" gives someone a charge to deny. "I needed you to take the kids for an hour and I was too proud to ask" gives them a job. The second…

Five minutesChoosing your responseCBTQur’an 5:8One line of research

If you are the critical one, risk the soft feeling under the anger and ask, gently, for what you need instead of attacking.

Criticism is often a protest from someone who feels alone and unmet. Softening, letting your partner see the hurt beneath the sharpness and asking…

Five minutesStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 4:128One line of research

If you take a break from a fight, name when you will come back, and come back.

Give me twenty minutes, I am not leaving this. Then return, calmer, as promised.

Five minutesStaying regulated in conflictGottmanQur’an 3:134One line of research

For a compromise, name your one true core need, then be genuinely flexible on everything around it.

Separate the small inflexible core from the wide flexible area. Guard the core, give on the rest.

Five minutesStaying regulated in conflictGottmanQur’an 4:128One line of research

On a stuck, recurring fight, stop trying to persuade. First explore the dream or value behind each position.

Gridlock rarely yields to argument. Set persuasion aside and get curious about what the issue means to each of you.

Five minutesStaying regulated in conflictGottmanQur’an 3:159One line of research