Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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38 practices

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When someone comes at you angry, listen for the fear in it. It changes what you say next, and it changes what their anger does to you.

A raised voice usually produces apprehension, and apprehension makes people stiffen or back away. Hearing frightened rather than hostile leaves you…

Five minutesThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 20:44One line of research

If staying home means an anxious child gets more of you, your comfort is quietly part of what keeps them there. That is not a failure of love.

This one is hard to see precisely because the soothing is kind and the distress is real. The usual shape is a fought over morning, the child stays,…

Five minutesThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 65:2One line of research

On a day at home, be the person who supervises rather than the person who keeps them company. The warmth is not cancelled, it moves to the evening.

Hovering, chatting, sitting alongside them with a cup of tea: all of it is lovely, and all of it makes the day at home better than the day at school.…

Five minutesThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 65:2One line of research

If a child can go to the school office whenever they like and stay as long as they like, that is an exit rather than a support. Agree a length, and a gap between visits.

Ten minutes, twice a day, with a return to lessons afterwards, is a support. Open ended visits from the first flutter of nerves onwards teach a very…

Five minutesThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 62:8One line of research

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

Equanimity and perspective

Growing empathy

Systems for daily life

Tolerate distress

The moment before you snap

Treatment and medication

Rest and pacing

If you are the critical one, risk the soft feeling under the anger and ask, gently, for what you need instead of attacking.

Criticism is often a protest from someone who feels alone and unmet. Softening, letting your partner see the hurt beneath the sharpness and asking…

Five minutesStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 4:128One line of research

On a stuck, recurring fight, stop trying to persuade. First explore the dream or value behind each position.

Gridlock rarely yields to argument. Set persuasion aside and get curious about what the issue means to each of you.

Five minutesStaying regulated in conflictGottmanQur’an 3:159One line of research

Before you try to persuade, summarize your partner's position back until they say yes, that is it.

No persuasion lands until your partner feels understood. Interview them, then reflect their view to their satisfaction.

Five minutesStaying regulated in conflictGottmanQur’an 16:125One line of research

For a child who is boiling over: eyes closed, fingers gently over the ears, and a long humming breath out. They can feel the buzzing inside their own head.

Blocking their ears is something an upset child often does already, so you are borrowing a movement their hands know rather than teaching a new one.…

Five minutesCool the body firstBody basedQur’an 78:10One line of research

A young person hears the fear in a house even when nobody says anything. If the adults are frightened about their future, they usually take that fear as a verdict on themselves.

If you are the worried parent, you do not have to perform calm. It works better to say the true version out loud: I am anxious about this, the…

Five minutesSystems for daily lifeADHD skillsQur’an 4:28One line of research

Time alone can be a good idea or a dangerous one, and the difference is what sits underneath it. If you are already low, already dodging people, or drinking on your own, a plan to see fewer people is the wrong plan.

Ask honestly which one this is. Stepping back from a crowded, quarrelsome week is one thing. Disappearing because you cannot face anybody is another,…

Five minutesGrowing empathyMedical and treatmentQur’an 93:10One line of research

Have three or four openers ready before you need them. For what it is worth. Can I run something by you. You might not like this, so give me the benefit of the doubt.

When you are stirred up you will not compose diplomatic language on the spot, so the phrases have to be picked in advance and worn in. Say them aloud…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 3:173One line of research

Ask which step they are willing to try, and then go with their answer. A smaller step they chose themselves tends to get attempted, and a bigger one you chose for them often does not.

In practice this means holding the ladder loosely. You keep the shape of it, they pick the rung, and if they pick lower than you hoped you take the…

Five minutesFacing it a step at a timeCBTQur’an 2:286One line of research

When someone is distressed, moving too fast to settle them can land as a message that their distress is not welcome here. Let them set the speed.

Offering a breath, a blanket, a change of subject: all of it can help, and all of it can arrive as a shutting down if it comes before the person has…

Five minutesFeeling from the insideBody basedQur’an 15:97One line of research

If rating a feeling out of ten means nothing to you, use something that does. Colour in bubbles, point at a picture, hold your hands apart to show how big it is today.

This began as an adaptation for children, swapping the numbered anxiety ladder for bubbles to colour in, and it is just as useful for anyone who goes…

Five minutesFeelings and focusCBTQur’an 2:286One line of research

Step in while a child is only starting to wind up, and offer something calming rather than a correction. Slow breathing, counting, a soft toy, a quiet corner for a few minutes.

Three to ten minutes in a set place is plenty. It works best when the offer is warm and matter of fact, one sentence, no lecture about what they did.…

Five minutesFeelings and focusADHD skillsQur’an 13:28One line of research

The whole value of a calming corner is that the child can take themselves there. An adult may suggest it, but if it is only ever ordered, what gets learned is obedience rather than self-regulation.

Make it clearly available rather than assigned. They go, they take their few minutes, they come back with a short hello and a nod at whatever they…

Five minutesFeelings and focusADHD skillsQur’an 2:45One line of research

Instead of sending a child out to sit and stew, send them to a side table for three very easy worksheets, then straight back to whatever everyone else is doing.

It takes them out of whatever was rewarding about the behaviour without leaving them with nothing to do and an audience to play to. Keep the work…

Five minutesFeelings and focusADHD skillsQur’an 20:26One line of research

Under the reactive feeling you show, anger or coldness, there is a softer primary one: fear, hurt, or loneliness. Reach for that and share it.

The heat we show a partner, criticism or withdrawal, is usually a secondary emotion covering a tender primary one underneath. Naming the softer…

Five minutesKnowing your partnerEmotionally focusedQur’an 50:16One line of research

If you are the one who goes quiet and pulls away, name the fear behind it and step back in: I shut you out because I was afraid of failing you.

Withdrawing looks like coldness but is usually self-protection from a fear of not being enough. Coming out from behind the wall, naming the fear, and…

Five minutesKnowing your partnerEmotionally focusedQur’an 40:60One line of research

When your partner is angry, do not take it personally or rush to apologize. Ask what the anger is protecting.

All anger has a goal and something blocking it. Find both. What do you need is a good question.

Five minutesListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 7:199One line of research