Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

What matches

165 practices

Narrow these down

Ask which kind of support they want today rather than deciding for them.

Sometimes it is help, sometimes only company; asking spares you both the wrong gift.

A minuteAnswering bidsCoreQur’an 42:38Seen more than once

When your partner is up against something, take their side: this is our problem, we will face it together.

Even if you see the other side, do not side with the enemy against your partner. Stand with them first.

A minuteAnswering bidsGottmanQur’an 9:71One line of research

Be firm and warm at once: gentle tone, steady eyes, clear ask. Neither doormat nor bulldozer.

Softness of manner and firmness of content are not opposites. Hold the point kindly.

A minuteAsk and say no wellDBT skillsQur’an 31:19One line of research

Two weeks away is the point to stop waiting and ask for help. A year away is beyond what one appointment a week can carry.

Short absences often sort themselves out. Once a fortnight has gone, the pattern has usually begun to set, and the amount of practice needed to undo…

A minuteThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 29:69One line of research

Somewhere between five and ten children in every hundred struggle to get to school at some point, and one or two of those need real help with it. Your family is not a strange case.

It feels rare because nobody mentions it at the school gate. In a school of a thousand that is a dozen or more children needing active support at any…

A minute

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

Making it stick

Gratitude

When everything feels flat

What anger actually is

Practising under provocation

Emotions as signals

Food, caffeine and fuel

Cool the body first

Choosing your response

Fondness and admiration

The fear underneath anger

Validate yourself and others

What you are actually defending

Breaking the worry loop

Your nervous system

Tolerate distress

Shared spiritual life

Shame and stigma

Screens and attention

Safety and grounding

Exercise, food and other supports

Obsessions and compulsions

Help someone grieving

Getting assessed and diagnosed

Get started

Feelings and focus

Feeling from the inside

Bringing the future closer

Being seen and judged

Ask and say no well

Touch and bodywork

The cost of avoiding

CBT

Qur’an 2:214

One line of research

Avoiding something makes today easier and tomorrow harder. Say that plainly, to yourself and to whoever is in it with you.

Without that sentence, asking someone to face a frightening thing looks like cruelty, and every conversation about it goes badly. With it, the choice…

A minuteThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 62:8One line of research

Anxiety is the most common mental health difficulty of childhood, with something like a third of young people meeting the threshold at some point and a smaller group badly held back by it. Both halves of that are worth saying.

The first half is for the shame: this is ordinary, and keeping it secret is its own kind of avoiding. The second half is so that nobody hears…

A minuteThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 39:53One line of research

The target is getting through the door, not feeling calm about it. Calm tends to arrive afterwards, and mostly for people who went.

It is tempting to wait for a good week, a settled mood, a morning that feels different. Waiting hands the decision to the anxiety, and the anxiety…

A minuteThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 9:105One line of research

Offer school again at ten, and at eleven, and after lunch. One refusal at half past seven should not be allowed to decide the whole day.

Morning dread usually peaks around the time they would be leaving and then drains away over a couple of hours. A child who could not face it at half…

A minuteThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 12:87One line of research

Put it the way a grandmother would. Eat your peas and carrots and then you can have your pudding: go in, and then the thing you have been wanting.

Technical language falls out of your head at seven in the morning. A homely sentence survives, and it survives the argument too, because it is hard…

A minuteThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 41:35One line of research

Parents keeping a pattern going are almost never doing it knowingly. Say so out loud, before you explain any of the rest.

A parent who hears that their comfort has been part of the problem will either argue or quietly stop coming, and both of those cost the child far…

A minuteThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 39:53One line of research

Nobody is asking you to go cold. Comfort your child properly, and watch where it lands: alongside them as they go, rather than waiting for them if they stay.

A hug at the door and a hand on the back on the way to the car sit on the side of going. A whole afternoon of being looked after because they did not…

A minuteThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 2:155One line of research

Next rung: remark on something in the room. The plant, the noise outside, the length of the queue. Nothing about the person yet, just something out loud about where you both are.

It is the lowest stakes opening there is, because the subject is neutral and the other person can pick it up or leave it. Most of the time a small…

A minuteBeing seen and judgedCBTQur’an 2:264One line of research

The fast forceful practices are not for everyone. With high blood pressure, heart trouble or glaucoma, leave them out and use the slow ones, which carry no such warning.

Rapid breathing with effort behind it raises pressure inside the chest, the head and the eyes for as long as you keep it going. The gentler lift,…

A minuteBreathingBody basedQur’an 32:9One line of research

Any breathing instruction that reaches you through a screen or a book comes from someone who cannot see you. Keep the final say over what your body does.

Recorded instructions have to be general. You are the one who knows that your chest tightens on holds, or that counting makes you anxious. Treat each…

A minuteBreathingBody basedQur’an 26:13One line of research

The rapid belly driven breath with pauses added is the strongest thing in this set. Not for high blood pressure, glaucoma, pregnancy or your period, and stop at once with pain or dizziness.

It has its uses for the flat, heavy state that comes over people after lunch or during a long low patch, because it pushes upwards rather than down.…

A minuteBreathingBody basedQur’an 38:72One line of research

End a practice with a question rather than a conclusion. What do you notice works better than telling someone what should have happened.

If you announce that an exercise is calming, most people will agree with you whether or not it was. Asking leaves room for the honest answer,…

A minuteBreathingBody basedQur’an 50:16One line of research

Give the later self a name and be a bit silly about it. Is Thursday you going to be furious with Monday you again? Is Thursday you always the one clearing up?

This lands with teenagers and with anyone bristling at being told what to do, because it is funny and the joke is what does the work. Turning the…

A minuteBringing the future closerADHD skillsQur’an 53:39One line of research

Do not only correct the thought, correct the sentence. Rather than do not shout at me, try can you take those off, I want to talk to you.

Telling yourself to stay calm gives you nothing to do, and the ready-made sharp line is still the only thing in your mouth. A plain request gives all…

A minuteChoosing your responseCoreQur’an 33:70One line of research

Before you walk out, say three things: this is getting heated, I need a bit of space, I will be back and we will carry on. The sentence is the skill, not the walking.

An exit with no words is read as punishment, and the other person will usually follow you to finish it, which is how a break turns into the worst…

A minuteChoosing your responseGottmanQur’an 33:70One line of research