Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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341 practices

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Automatic is not the enemy. An out of date automatic is. The aim is to practise the calmer response until it runs on its own, the way the old one already does.

At the start it feels artificial, and it should. You are choosing deliberately what the other response does for free. Give it enough repetitions and…

LongerCool the body firstBody basedQur’an 33:42One line of research

People who train regularly seem to be set off less easily, not because they care less but because a fitter body reads fewer situations as emergencies.

This one works on the scale of weeks, so it belongs in the ordinary part of your life rather than in the middle of a flare. Two or three sessions a…

LongerCool the body firstBody basedQur’an 33:42One line of research

When you are already angry, imagining your way into someone else's head asks the tired part of you to do the heavy lifting. Start with your body instead: look at their face, let your breathing and your shoulders come closer to theirs.

Perspective taking is a fine skill on a calm day. In the middle of a row it tends to slide into arguing with a version of the other person you have…

A minuteGrowing empathyBody basedQur’an 9:128One line of research

If you can do a cutting impression of someone, you already own the machinery for empathy. It is the same copying, pointed somewhere else.

People who get angry often are usually sharp readers of other people. They catch the tone, the face, the walk, and can play it back exactly. Try that…

A minuteGrowing empathyBody basedQur’an 49:11One line of research

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

Find a photograph of someone caught unguarded, ashamed or frightened or relieved, and look at it for a while. Notice what happens in your chest and around your own eyes.

Most of the time we glance at a face and move straight on. Holding your gaze long enough for something to stir is a small test of whether the feeling…

A minuteGrowing empathyBody basedQur’an 90:16One line of research

A good story about the brain is not evidence. Before you pass one on, especially to people who trust you, it is worth knowing whether it happened the way you tell it.

The famous account of how mirror neurons were found gets retold with the wrong animals and with details that could not have happened as described.…

A minuteGrowing empathyBody basedQur’an 49:12One line of research

It is tempting to decide that a cruel person simply came without the wiring for feeling. That story is far more confident than the research allows, and it quietly excuses you from seeing them as a person.

Low empathy is real and it does relate to aggression, but it is one strand among several rather than a switch that is on or off. The moment you file…

A minuteGrowing empathyBody basedQur’an 5:32One line of research

You can drop the neuroscience and keep the instruction. Look at the person's face, and at their eyes in particular, and let what you see land on you.

The advice does not need a mechanism to be worth following. Look at the person while they are speaking instead of at your own next sentence. Let…

A minuteGrowing empathyBody basedQur’an 28:23One line of research

The real feeling usually crosses someone's face for less than a second before the polite version arrives. If your attention is elsewhere, the polite version is all you will ever meet.

This is why paying attention is not a separate hobby from being kind. They are the same work. Put the phone face down, look up when someone starts…

A minuteGrowing empathyBody basedQur’an 90:14One line of research

When someone is telling you something hard, quietly let your body come closer to theirs. Similar posture, similar pace, your voice at their volume rather than your own.

Do it lightly. This is not an impression, and if it looks like one it will land as mockery. A small shift is plenty: leaning in when they lean in,…

A minuteGrowing empathyBody basedQur’an 2:263One line of research

Arranging your face into a caring expression does not reliably produce the caring. Do not expect the feeling to turn up just because you set the mouth.

The idea that holding a smile makes you happier has had a rough time whenever researchers try to repeat it, so it is not something to promise…

A minuteGrowing empathyBody basedQur’an 76:9One line of research

You can feel for the child in front of you and still keep the consequence you set. Being moved was never meant to be the thing that decides.

It happens to everybody. You are firm, then you see the crumpled face, something turns over in you, and the consequence quietly disappears. What the…

A minuteGrowing empathyBody basedQur’an 2:220One line of research

Reading about anger will not make you gentler. Warmth is a skill with reps, like anything else, and it fades when nobody practises it.

Most anger advice works on the mind: catch the thought, question it, breathe. Useful, and none of it is the same as actually feeling something for…

Five minutesGrowing empathyBody basedQur’an 90:17One line of research

If you have gone numb around other people's pain, the numbness almost certainly started as protection. It kept you upright at a time when feeling all of it would have flattened you.

The trouble is that it does not switch itself off when the danger passes. You find yourself unmoved in front of someone you love, and then you blame…

Five minutesGrowing empathyBody basedQur’an 6:54One line of research

Years of putting up with things build a thicker skin, and that same skin is what stops you being reached by the person in front of you. It can thin again.

Nobody sets out to get harder. It happens quietly, one shrug at a time, until a story that would have undone you at twenty barely registers at forty.…

Five minutesGrowing empathyBody basedQur’an 93:9One line of research

There is more than one way into someone else's world. You can picture yourself in their place, picture them in it, or simply let their state affect you, and the three do not feel the same or lead to the same place.

Picturing yourself in their place tends to raise your own distress, which can leave you wanting relief more than wanting to help them. Picturing them…

Five minutesGrowing empathyBody basedQur’an 17:24One line of research

Give yourself an instruction you can rehearse. Copy one thing about how the other person is holding themselves, once a day, and notice what follows.

Advice like be more understanding gives you nothing to practise. Advice like match their pace when they speak gives you something you can do on a…

Five minutesGrowing empathyBody basedQur’an 107:7One line of research

Two people who spend time in step really do become more attuned. Nothing passes between your brains while it happens, though, so put the hours in rather than waiting for the wiring.

The phrase about brains wiring together is a picture, and a lovely one. What is actually available to you is ordinary: the same room, the same walk…

LongerGrowing empathyBody basedQur’an 7:156One line of research

One of the earliest signs that you are drifting out of the present is that your hands and feet go vague. Not numb exactly, just less there.

It tends to happen before you notice you have gone anywhere. If you learn your own version of it, you get an early warning: a chance to press your…

A minuteFeeling from the insideBody basedQur’an 41:53One line of research

Stand on one leg for a few breaths. Your body has to work to keep you upright, and that work is loud enough to feel on a day when nothing else registers.

Balance pulls in the joints, the inner ear and the muscles all at once, so it gives a far stronger signal than sitting still and hoping to notice…

A minuteFeeling from the insideBody basedQur’an 31:20One line of research