Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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48 practices

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Anger has a shape before it has words. The body turns half away, a hand comes up, and the whole posture is saying no to something that has already happened.

Next time you feel it starting, look at your own hands and shoulders rather than at the other person. You can even take the posture on purpose for a…

A minuteEquanimity and perspectiveCoreQur’an 57:22One line of research

The hand you put up to fend someone off is already halfway to a fist. There is no clean place to stop once the movement is underway, which is why the early moment is the one worth having.

In practice that moment is smaller than you expect: the first flick of heat, the sentence forming that starts with you always. That is when stepping…

A minuteEquanimity and perspectiveCoreQur’an 2:156One line of research

Holding your tongue is expensive. It is fairer to admit that than to pretend the calmer version of you comes free.

Cost that goes unacknowledged turns into resentment, and resentment leaks out later in a shape you did not choose. Say it plainly to yourself…

A minuteEquanimity and perspectiveCoreQur’an 41:46One line of research

Put four dots on a page, one at a time, and by the fourth you will see a square. Now try to point at the square. Your mind supplied it in under a second and never asked you first.

Keep the paper. It is a small undeniable demonstration that you make patterns as much as you find them. The next time you are certain what somebody…

A minuteEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 31:34One line of research

There is more about anger than the practices: the anger area has the themes and the courses too.

Faces in the curtains, a figure in the dark: the part of you that spots danger would rather be wrong ten times than miss once. It reads people the same way.

That bias is old and cheap insurance rather than stupidity. Knowing it is running lets you add a second look before you act, especially with thin…

A minuteEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 9:129One line of research

Ask the question twice. What do you see, and what else do you see. What do you think, and what else do you think. The second one does all the work.

The second question takes for granted that another answer exists, so instead of defending the first you go looking. Used on yourself it works just as…

A minuteEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 10:24One line of research

Listen to how you narrate it to yourself. What on earth is this nonsense keeps the heat on. I am puzzled, what might this be does not.

The words are not cosmetic. Outraged narration keeps the body up, and curiosity is hard to hold at the same time as fury. Choose your replacement…

A minuteEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 3:191One line of research

Focus on the person and it feels personal. Widen out to what is around them, the hour, the queue, the week they are having, and it usually stops being about you.

That single instruction covers a lot of ground: it works on a picture, on a rude reply, and on your own attention when it has narrowed to one face.…

A minuteEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 20:131One line of research

Not knowing what to make of something does not have to be an emergency. See if you can find it interesting instead, even for a moment.

Most of us treat confusion as a gap to be closed fast, and anger is one of the quickest ways to close it: decide they meant it, decide what it says…

A minuteEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 31:34One line of research

Not knowing what somebody else is carrying is reason enough to go easy on them. It is certainty about what they deserve that gives cruelty its permission.

You do not need a generous story about the person in order to hold back. Maybe is enough: maybe they are frightened, maybe something happened this…

A minuteEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 2:155One line of research

You do not actually know what they are about to say, or why they did it. Swapping the finished sentence in your head for help me understand costs nothing and changes the whole exchange.

Finishing people's sentences, deciding in advance what they meant, hearing the insult before it has been made: all of it feels like insight and most…

A minuteEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 6:59One line of research

Before someone has said a word, you have often already decided what they are: only here because they were made to come, not really interested, wasting your time. That decision changes how the meeting goes.

The person sent by a court, or pushed into the room by a partner or a manager, walks in already read. Try starting the hour with nothing written: no…

A minuteEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 9:129One line of research

Under most anger sits a refusal: this should not be happening. Letting the fact stand as a fact, without agreeing that it is fine, takes a surprising amount of heat out of it.

Accepting is not approving, and it does not mean dropping your case. It means giving up the argument with the part that is already settled: the train…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveCoreQur’an 2:155One line of research

Change the question you ask yourself. Not how badly do I want to stay calm, but what have I actually practised for the moment it starts.

Wanting is not a plan. Decide in advance the words you will use, the room you will step into, the person you will ring afterwards. Rehearsed things…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveCoreQur’an 25:62One line of research

After you lose it, the sentence you say to yourself matters. I have no self control leads somewhere much worse than I have not drilled that one yet.

Shame closes the subject. You stop looking at what happened, and what happened is precisely the material you need. Try a short unglamorous review…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveCoreQur’an 57:23One line of research

Every one of us is trying to tame ourselves, which no other animal is attempting. Finding it hard is the ordinary result, not a sign that something is wrong with you in particular.

This is meant to take the shame out, not the responsibility. Harm still needs repairing and apologies still need making. But if some part of you…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveCoreQur’an 3:190One line of research

Queueing, splitting a bill fairly, sharing a road with strangers: all of this is recent. We have had a few thousand years of practice at it, against a much longer history of living another way.

It helps to plan for the mismatch instead of being caught out by it every time. If crowds, traffic and open plan offices reliably wear you thin,…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveCoreQur’an 57:20One line of research

When someone protests that swallowing their feelings is unnatural, agree with them, because it is. Then add the part they have not said: it is also necessary, and there are better ways to do it than swallowing.

Arguing that calm comes naturally costs you your credibility in a single sentence. Conceding the true half leaves nothing to defend, and the…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveCoreQur’an 2:157One line of research

There is an old set of pictures: a boy loses an ox, catches sight of it, chases it, tames it, and finally rides it home. Asking which picture you are in this week is kinder and more useful than asking whether you are doing well.

Searching, glimpsing, wrestling and riding each have their own next step, and none of them is a grade. Someone still looking for the ox needs to…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveCoreQur’an 18:46One line of research

Losing your grip has a sequence too, running the other way: the hold loosens, thinking thins out, and then you are simply angry. Finding where it loosened is more use than going over how it ended.

Work backwards from the flare. The slip is usually earlier and duller than the shouting: a skipped meal, a second replay of the conversation in the…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveCoreQur’an 10:24One line of research