Practices

Turning the volume down on a feeling in front of the wrong audience is not being fake. Being annoyed with your manager and raising it mildly is a skill, and it keeps you employed.

There is a version of honesty that costs people jobs and friendships. What you feel and how much of it you show are two separate decisions, and the…

The big promise is usually made in a rush of love rather than after a calculation. It is meant sincerely, which is exactly why it keeps happening, and why the disappointment keeps landing.

The gap here is between feeling something and announcing it. Try a rule: nothing involving money, dates or other people gets said out loud on the day…

If cognitive behavioural therapy is the approach you keep being offered for ADHD, part of the reason is that it is easy to measure. It has good evidence behind it, and being the most studied is not the same as being the only thing that helps.

Structured, session by session approaches produce tidy numbers, so they get trialled more often and written up more often. That leaves quieter…

The change mostly happens between the sessions rather than in them. Catching a thought where it actually turns up, at the kitchen table or in the car park, is what makes a new one stick.

Make it small enough to survive a bad week. One thought written down as it came, and one line underneath saying what else might be true. If you have…

You are allowed more than one feeling about the same thing. Relief and grief when someone dies. Love for a job you would walk out of today. Neither one cancels the other.

A lot of the distress is not the feelings themselves but the argument over which one is the real one. Try saying both plainly, out loud: I am…

Moods travel. Laughter spreads through a group of friends, and so does contempt, gloom and low grinding cynicism. It is fair to think about which rooms you sit in.

This is not about cutting people off. It is closer to noticing that you leave certain conversations heavier than you arrived, and choosing to make…

Pulling back from things is easier. That is not the same as safer. The cost of a smaller life arrives later and quietly, which is exactly why it goes unnoticed.

It helps to be honest about the trade. Saying no to the party buys you a calm evening and charges you a slightly smaller world. Once or twice that is…

If your only system for remembering things is your head, of course you are anxious. Nothing is safe in there and some part of you knows it.

Some people hold everything mentally because letting go of it feels like the thing will stop existing. The answer is not trying harder to remember.…

Fast, strong emotion is part of ADHD rather than a separate fault of character. It was in the original description, dropped for decades, and is being written back in.

This matters practically. Adults who react hard and settle quickly are often given a mood or personality diagnosis instead, and the plan that follows…

The intensity that makes you exhausting on a bad day is the same intensity that makes you good company. Enthusiasm and impulsiveness run off one engine.

Worth saying, because a conversation about emotional control can easily become a list of everything wrong with you. The aim is not a flatter version…

Certain situations take you apart every single time. The reunion, that one relative, the friend who makes remarks. You are allowed to simply not go.

This is not cowardice, it is arranging your life around what you already know about yourself. Much the same logic as not keeping the biscuits in the…

Tell your partner, on a good day, that the things you say at full volume are not a fair record of what you think. Not as an excuse. As information about how you work.

It changes what lands. If they know in advance that the heat is real but the words are unreliable, they can wait for the version that arrives twenty…

A reward that is far off has almost no weight in ADHD. Tying the task to something you actually care about gives you a reason that does not depend on the payoff arriving soon.

So instead of 'I should file these', try 'I want to be someone my family can rely on, and this is part of that'. The other half of this approach is…

Time with people is not the nice extra you get to once the real work is done. Put it alongside sleep, medication and exercise rather than underneath them.

It helps to treat it like any other part of a plan, with something specific in the week rather than a general intention to be more social. One…

Belonging to the group does nothing. Going does. Having a friend does nothing either, unless you see them.

So count the actual events. How many times this week did you sit with someone, not message them. A number you can check beats a resolution to be more…

ADHD rarely turns up on its own. If anxiety or low mood is in the room as well, it needs treating in its own right, and that includes when it is the other partner who is struggling.

This is the part that gets missed in couples. One person becomes the identified patient and everybody works on them, while the other one's untreated…