Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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96 practices

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When someone tells you they have failed, the most useful thing you can do is nothing clever. Let your face stay soft and keep looking at them.

Shame is braced for disgust, so it reads your face before it hears your words. A quick reassurance can even land as a rush to move on. Slower is…

A minuteShameEmotionally focusedQur’an 93:3One line of research

When someone's shame fills the room, check your own state before you say anything. If you start to shrink, or to worry that you are handling this badly, they will feel it.

Shame is catching. The particular risk is a quiet spiral of your own, along the lines of I am no good at this, which pulls you out of the room at the…

A minuteShameTrauma informedQur’an 53:32One line of research

You did not choose which things hurt you. Where you are tender was set long before you had any say in it, and the only live question is what you do with it now.

This is worth saying out loud between two people, because each usually thinks their own soft spot is embarrassing and the other's is obvious. Try…

Five minutesShameEmotionally focusedQur’an 30:54One line of research

Tell yourself the true thing: this feeling is real, and it is temporary. No state lasts. Ride it out.

You do not have to fix it right now. You only have to outlast it. Feelings crest and fall like weather.

A minuteTolerate distressMindfulnessQur’an 93:5One line of research

Wise mind is not a calmer version of you. It is the state where what you feel and what you have thought through are both in the room, and neither has thrown the other out.

There is more about low mood and hard feelings than the practices: the low mood and hard feelings area has the themes and the courses too.

In practice it means you can feel the heat in your chest and still choose the next sentence. Neither half is the enemy: pure logic talks you out of…

A minuteTolerate distressDBT skillsQur’an 12:18One line of research

Before telling someone what you have noticed about them, ask whether they want it. Do you mind if I offer something back to you? Then describe only what you saw, plainly.

Close attention is not neutral for a person who grew up being watched for a reason. Asking first turns being observed into something they agreed to,…

A minuteTolerate distressBody basedQur’an 52:48One line of research

Say it plainly: my anger is allowed here. It is a healthy feeling and it is usually the thing telling me where a line should go.

For anyone who learned that their anger made them dangerous or unlovable, it now arrives with shame attached, and the shame is what turns it into…

A minuteTolerate distressBody basedQur’an 2:214One line of research

Stop fighting what already is. Accepting a hard reality, without approving of it, ends the extra layer of pain.

Saying it is so is not the same as saying it is fine. Dropping the war with what already happened frees you to respond.

Five minutesTolerate distressDBT skillsQur’an 64:11One line of research

Soothe yourself through the senses: a warm drink, a soft cloth, a good scent, a slow walk. Be kind to the body.

When you cannot fix the feeling, comfort the one who is feeling it. Small kindnesses to the body settle the mind.

Five minutesTolerate distressMindfulnessQur’an 93:6One line of research

A calming skill handed over at the wrong moment reads as your anger is not welcome here. For someone taught as a child that their anger was unacceptable, that is the old prohibition arriving again in kinder clothes.

Let the anger be seen first. Say that it makes sense, that there is a reason for it, and only then offer anything that settles the body. The order…

Five minutesTolerate distressDBT skillsQur’an 2:45One line of research

Accepting reality as it is means dropping the fight with what has already happened. It does not mean staying somewhere that is still harming you.

The two get confused often, usually by people who were told to be patient by whoever benefited from their patience. A rough test: acceptance is for…

Five minutesTolerate distressDBT skillsQur’an 39:10One line of research

Watch for the small thing that happens right as a feeling starts: the reach for a tissue, the laugh, the change of subject. Notice it once and say nothing, notice it again, and only then mention it.

One instance is an incident and three is a pattern, and the difference matters when you name it, because a pattern can be looked at together without…

Five minutesTolerate distressBody basedQur’an 12:83One line of research

Ask what you were taught about crying, about anger, about needing anything. Not what you believe now, but what you were told then, in the words that were actually used.

Most rules about feelings were installed rather than chosen, and once you can hear the original sentence, boys do not cry, do not be so sensitive, it…

Twenty minutesTolerate distressBody basedQur’an 3:186One line of research

Choose one short remembrance to say the moment anger rises, and use it every single time.

A prepared word of dhikr catches the anger before it speaks for you.

A minuteWorking with angerMindfulnessQur’an 13:28One line of research

Catch the first body sign of anger, the jaw, the chest, the heat, and name it there.

Caught early, anger can be chosen. Caught late, it chooses for you.

A minuteWorking with angerCoreQur’an 42:37One line of research

When anger floods you, step away before you speak, and come back when your body is calm.

Past a certain heat the body cannot hear reason. Leave, settle, and return.

Five minutesWorking with angerCoreQur’an 25:63One line of research