Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

What matches

71 practices

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When someone introduces themselves as an abuser, take the word seriously without treating it as the finding. A label names a category of offence, not what is actually going on in them.

Some people arrive with the language of a programme or a court already fitted to them, and it closes down the question of what drives the behaviour…

Twenty minutesWhen anger turns to harmCoreQur’an 3:135One line of research

Ask whether the anger is really about this person at all, or whether it is contempt for a whole category of people that happens to have someone standing nearby.

It sounds different once you listen for it. The complaints come out in the plural, about how women are or what wives do, and the particular person in…

Twenty minutesWhen anger turns to harmCoreQur’an 16:90One line of research

Ask what has been done to this person, not only what they have done. Old harm decides which ordinary things now register as a threat.

Reactions that look wildly out of proportion usually are not, once you know what the moment resembled. A hand raised near a face, a certain tone,…

Twenty minutesThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 33:58One line of research

With an older teenager the pull is often not fear at all. The day at home is better: sleep, screens, and friends who are also not going.

Anxiety work goes nowhere against this, because there is little anxiety left to work on. What changes it is the shape of the day, with the good…

Twenty minutesThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 53:39One line of research

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

The fear underneath anger

Grounding and settling

Making it stick

When everything feels flat

Remembering to do it

Your sense of time

The moment before you snap

Your nervous system

Facing it a step at a time

Where a child is not attending, the adults are often already cross with each other. That argument has to be parked before any plan will hold.

Home thinks the school did not act. The school thinks home is not firm. Both usually have a point, and neither point can be settled quickly enough to…

Twenty minutesThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 11:112One line of research

Try saying it out loud: we can leave who was at fault for another day and both work on getting her back in. Most people accept that offer if nobody has to admit anything.

Grievances between families and schools rarely resolve on the timeline a child needs. Naming a goal that sits above the dispute lets everyone move…

Twenty minutesThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 2:197One line of research

You cannot outbid a bedroom with unlimited gaming and a free afternoon. Free access has to shrink before an earned version means anything at all.

With an older teenager this goes better as a conversation about arrangements than about character: the wifi and the console sit behind the school…

Twenty minutesThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 6:35One line of research

A chart imposed on a fifteen year old will be beaten, ignored or fought. Agree the terms with them instead, in a conversation where they can genuinely change something.

Ask what they think would help, what they would want in return, and what feels unfair about the current version. You are not handing over the goal,…

Twenty minutesThe cost of avoidingCBTQur’an 53:28One line of research

Sometimes the help you need is not insight. It is someone sitting with you while you sort out what actually happened this week and which bit of it mattered.

When anxiety is running at full speed, everything arrives at the same volume and nothing can be ranked. A bad week becomes one undifferentiated bad…

Twenty minutesBeing seen and judgedNarrativeQur’an 15:97One line of research

Say the plan out loud to somebody. A manager, a colleague, your wife, a coach. Hearing yourself explain it does something that turning it over privately does not.

The listener does not need to be an expert in any of it. Talking forces you to put things in order, and the gaps tend to announce themselves halfway…

Twenty minutesBringing the future closerADHD skillsQur’an 2:148One line of research

Set the terms of a break while nobody is angry: what you will say, how long you will take, where you will go, and that you will not drive. Then it is a shared arrangement rather than something you do to the other person.

Leaving can be used as a weapon. Two days of silence, walking out while someone is crying, driving off into the night: all of that can wear the…

Twenty minutesChoosing your responseGottmanQur’an 3:159One line of research

Difficult things come out more easily when your hands are occupied and you are not looking straight at the other person. Walk side by side, drive somewhere, wash up together, keep the sewing going.

If you are the one listening, offer it first. Most people assume that picking something up would look rude or half interested, so they sit still and…

Twenty minutesSystems for daily lifeMedical and treatmentQur’an 3:159One line of research

Support does not have to stop at eighteen. Plan for it to thin out gradually through the twenties, at a level everyone has agreed rather than one that gets argued over every month.

A workable version names three things: what is still being helped with, how much, and when you will look at it again. Every six months is usually…

Twenty minutesSystems for daily lifeADHD skillsQur’an 2:280One line of research

Some things only happen when another person is there, even if they are doing something entirely different. Ring a friend and clean your two kitchens together with the phone on the counter.

This works for studying, tidying, paperwork and the weekly shop, because what you are borrowing is presence rather than help. Agree a start time and…

Twenty minutesSystems for daily lifeADHD skillsQur’an 5:2One line of research

A behaviour agreement needs six things in it: the goal, exactly what the child does, what they earn, what happens if they do not, signatures from everyone, and an adult who sticks to it.

Most of these fall apart over what was meant rather than over what was done, so write the specifics down to the level of what counts as finished. The…

Twenty minutesSystems for daily lifeADHD skillsQur’an 2:282One line of research

Work the deal out with the child instead of handing it to them. Much the same rules, an entirely different feeling.

Let them argue for a bit longer on the console, or for Friday off, and give ground where you honestly can. The terms tend to land in roughly the same…

Twenty minutesSystems for daily lifeADHD skillsQur’an 42:38One line of research

Emptying the feeling out at somebody does not shift it, and being told what to do instead skips over it. What changes things is feeling it with someone who stays.

You can tell the difference from the inside. Venting has a rehearsed quality, the same phrases coming round again with the heat kept up. Advice…

Twenty minutesEmotions as signalsEmotionally focusedQur’an 21:83One line of research

You cannot taste food you are eating fast. Feeling works the same way, so slow the pace until there is something to actually notice.

In practice that means one sentence at a time, with a pause after it, and questions like what happened in you just then. Both of you will want to…

Twenty minutesEmotions as signalsEmotionally focusedQur’an 13:28One line of research

When you are trying to reach a feeling, stay with the actual sentence that caused it rather than paraphrasing it into something milder.

She said you are too difficult. Said again, gently, it keeps the moment alive in the room instead of turning it into a memory being reported.…

Twenty minutesEmotions as signalsEmotionally focusedQur’an 15:97One line of research

Run it in your head first, then act it out with someone safe, then do it for real. It is a preseason, and nobody thinks the preseason is cheating.

Each round adds a little pressure while help is still to hand. Imagining it stirs the fear enough to show whether your plan holds up. Acting it out…

Twenty minutesFacing it a step at a timeCBTQur’an 92:7One line of research