Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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61 practices

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Whatever is driving it, behaviour that frightens someone is frightening. The reason behind it does not soften what it was like to stand on the other side of it.

Two people can do something that looks identical from outside and mean quite different things by it. That difference matters for what will help the…

A minuteWhen anger turns to harmCoreQur’an 24:15One line of research

The strongest pull is not the anger by itself. It is anger plus being right, the lift in the body and the certainty of the moral high ground arriving together.

That pairing is genuinely hard to put down, because giving it up means giving up more than a mood. It means not being the wronged one for a while.…

Five minutesAnger, alcohol and the bodyMedical and treatmentQur’an 12:53One line of research

Try swapping the word. Instead of I got aggressive, try I was defending myself, because that is much closer to what your body thought it was doing at the time.

The word you reach for decides what happens next. Aggressive is a verdict on your character, and verdicts send people into hiding. Defending yourself…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 20:67One line of research

Anger is often a bluff, a show of size put on by something that feels small. Knowing that is not an insult to you, it is probably the most useful thing you can know about it.

The bluff works on other people, and it works on you too, which is why the voice gets biggest right at the moment you feel most exposed. You do not…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 4:28One line of research

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

Losing your temper is the easy move. Staying with the fear underneath is the hard one, in the way that dropping something is easier than holding it steady on your fingertip.

This matters most if some part of you is proud of the temper. Nothing about it is strong, it is simply quicker, and quick is what you reach for when…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 2:38One line of research

After a flare, the more useful question is not why you got angry. It is what felt at risk in that moment.

Answers tend to be smaller and more embarrassing than the row that followed. Being made to look a fool in front of your kids. Being left. Being taken…

Five minutesThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 20:45One line of research

Fear moves you away from what frightens you. Anger turns you round and marches you into it, which is how something meant to keep you safe becomes the thing that puts you in danger.

If you believe the shouting protects you, follow it all the way to the end of an evening and see what it protected. Usually the other person hardens,…

Five minutesThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 20:44One line of research

When anger turns up, in you or in front of you, two questions do most of the work: what is the fear underneath this, and what would make that fear bearable without the anger?

The first question slows everything down, because a fear is usually easier to name than to defend. The second stops you at insight: if the fear is of…

Five minutesThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 20:46One line of research

Some of what teaches you most arrives rudely, from people you would not have chosen, at a time you did not pick. A provocation is often that kind of lesson.

This is not about being grateful to somebody who treated you badly. It is about what you do with the information afterwards. An ugly encounter can…

Five minutesThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 2:155One line of research

Follow the chain. The anger points at a fear, and the fear points at what you believe is at stake. That last thing is what you are actually dealing with.

Once it has passed, ask what you were afraid of in that moment, then ask whether the threat was really there. Being spoken over is not the same as…

Twenty minutesThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 21:87One line of research

People stop telling the truth to anyone who argues with it. Being easy to be honest with is a skill, and it has to be visible from the outside.

Notice what you do in the first three seconds after hearing something you did not want to hear. The explaining, the yes but, the small correction of…

A minuteBringing the future closerADHD skillsQur’an 14:7One line of research

Anger looks at the person and edits out the room. It is the man who is rude, never the traffic, the deadline or the night he spent awake.

This tilt sits in everybody, not only in you. Assuming bad intent has always been the cheaper error to make, which is why the mind reaches for it…

Five minutesChoosing your responseCBTQur’an 16:125One line of research

Catch the cycle one move earlier today, before it picks up speed.

The first tightening, the first sharp word. Name it there, when it is still small.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 41:36One line of research

Name your own move in the dance today: I chase when I am scared, or I go quiet.

Not their part. Yours. Owning your step in the pattern is what starts to change it.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 7:23Seen more than once

Notice the moment a fight really began, often a small hurt, and name that, not the surface.

It started when I felt dismissed, not with the dishes. Find the true first domino.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 33:70One line of research

In the next hard moment, speak from the soft feeling under the sharp one.

Not you never listen. I feel small when I am not heard. The softer truth de-escalates.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 33:70Seen more than once

Name your part in the last tangle without a single word of blame attached.

I got defensive and shut you out. Full stop, no and you. Clean ownership softens things.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 7:23Seen more than once

Before you speak in anger today, ask what you are afraid of underneath it.

Usually it is a version of: I am afraid I do not matter to you. Say that instead.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 13:28Seen more than once

Share the hurt instead of the accusation in your next hard conversation.

That hurt me is easier to hear than that was cruel. The wound, not the charge.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 33:70Seen more than once

Tell your spouse what you felt, not what they did, in your next complaint.

I felt alone, not you ignored me. The feeling is yours to own and easy to hear.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 33:70One line of research