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Your marriage
What keeps a marriage well is not the big gestures. It is knowing each other, turning towards each other in ordinary moments, staying regulated when it gets hot, and repairing quickly when it goes wrong. Most of the practices here take under five minutes.
What works for this
Gottman on repair, and emotionally focused therapy
What separates couples who last is not the absence of conflict but what happens in the ordinary moments and whether repair gets through. Emotionally focused therapy works on the pattern the two of you fall into, not the thing being argued about.
One move, today
Notice one small overture from them today and answer it. Not a conversation, just turning towards it rather than past it.
What matches
10 practicesGive your spouse one embrace today that lasts longer than usual, until you both soften.
A hug held past the polite second. Long enough for the shoulders to drop.
Offer your spouse warm touch today with nothing asked in return.
A hand on the shoulder, a passing squeeze. Contact that is only kindness, not a request.
When your spouse reaches today, receive it fully instead of deflecting.
Not a joke, not a change of subject. Let the kindness or the bid actually land on you.
Tune to what your spouse is feeling under their words today, and name it gently.
It sounds like that scared you. Responsiveness is meeting the feeling, not just the fact.
See your bond as a safe haven and a secure base, not just romance. Your partner is meant to be the person you run to and the place you launch from.
In the science of love, a partner is an attachment figure: a safe harbour in distress and a secure base you venture out from. Treating the…
Tell your spouse about a raw spot, an old tender place that still gets touched.
When you go quiet I feel abandoned, like I did as a child. Name the ache, not the blame.
Reflect your partner's feeling back to them in simple, slow, soft words, using their own words where you can.
Empathic reflection, gently naming and mirroring back what your partner is feeling, tells them they are not alone in it. Keep it slow, simple, and…
Name one old hurt with your spouse that still aches, gently and without re-litigating.
When you were not there that day, it marked me. Naming it is not attacking, it is asking to heal.
Keep one daily moment to reconnect, a few minutes that are only about the two of you.
Morning coffee, the walk, the goodnight. A small daily island of us.
Once this week, sit together unhurried and share one feeling and one reassurance.
Not logistics. How are we really, and what do you need from me. A regular heart to heart.