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Your marriage
What keeps a marriage well is not the big gestures. It is knowing each other, turning towards each other in ordinary moments, staying regulated when it gets hot, and repairing quickly when it goes wrong. Most of the practices here take under five minutes.
What works for this
Gottman on repair, and emotionally focused therapy
What separates couples who last is not the absence of conflict but what happens in the ordinary moments and whether repair gets through. Emotionally focused therapy works on the pattern the two of you fall into, not the thing being argued about.
One move, today
Notice one small overture from them today and answer it. Not a conversation, just turning towards it rather than past it.
What matches
13 practicesTell your spouse plainly today that they matter to you, and why.
Not assumed, said. You matter to me, here is one reason. The heart needs to hear it.
Tell your spouse one thing you respect about who they are, not something they did.
Your patience, your honesty, the way you are with people. Admire the person, not the task.
Recall out loud a moment you were proud of your spouse, and tell them so.
That thing you did last year, I still think about it. Bring the good memory into today.
Scan today for one thing your spouse did right, and say it before the day ends.
The mind drifts to what is wrong. Deliberately catch what is right, then name it.
Remember one reason you chose your spouse, and let it soften how you see them today.
The quality that first drew you is still in there under the daily wear. Look for it.
When your spouse comes up in conversation today, say something good, or say nothing.
The affectionate word behind their back becomes what you feel to their face. Guard it.
Replace one eye-roll or cutting joke today with a word of respect.
Contempt is the slow poison. Catch the sneer and turn it, deliberately, into something kind.
Catch one comparison of your spouse to someone else today, and turn it to cherishing.
Not why can't you be like them. Instead, name what only your spouse is and gives.
Do not say the small unkind thing about them to someone else.
Today, notice the moment when you could make an easy joke at your spouse's expense, to a friend, a sibling, your mother, the group chat. Don't. Say…
Take the sarcasm out of one conversation today.
Contempt is the most corrosive tone in a marriage; its opposite is plain, warm respect.
Do not make the easy joke at their expense to someone else.
Guarding their dignity when they are not in the room is a quiet, powerful loyalty.
Raise the complaint without the words always or never.
One specific moment can be repaired; a sweeping verdict on their character cannot.
Notice the tone you use with them that you would never use with a guest.
The people closest to us too often receive our least careful manners; this gently reverses that.