Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

What matches

39 practices

Narrow these down

If the same crunch arrives every month, another talk about it will not shift next month. It was never a shortage of information.

For partners this is a hard one, because the frustration is completely fair. But a lecture adds shame to something that already feels unpleasant, and…

Five minutesBringing the future closerADHD skillsQur’an 75:20One line of research

You can tell someone they have hurt you without your voice showing it. The message and the heat come apart, and it is usually the heat that stops the message being heard.

Worth saying, because plenty of people believe the only options are swallowing it or letting it out. There is a third, which is saying the whole hard…

Five minutesChoosing your responseCBTQur’an 17:53One line of research

Under the anger there is usually something you wanted and did not get, or something you are afraid of losing. Say that, and you have handed the other person something they can actually do.

"You never help" gives someone a charge to deny. "I needed you to take the kids for an hour and I was too proud to ask" gives them a job. The second…

Five minutesChoosing your responseCBTQur’an 5:8One line of research

If you take a break from a fight, name when you will come back, and come back.

Give me twenty minutes, I am not leaving this. Then return, calmer, as promised.

Five minutesStaying regulated in conflictGottmanQur’an 3:134One line of research

Once the feeling is actually in the room, ask the plain question: what did you hear her saying about you? The answer is usually where the sting really lives.

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

Staying regulated in conflict

Breaking the worry loop

A comment about the washing up does not floor anyone by itself. It floors you because of what you heard underneath it, something along the lines of…

Five minutesEmotions as signalsEmotionally focusedQur’an 40:19One line of research

Watch for the swerve. Right after something tender gets said, along comes a story about a brother or a colleague or a thing from years ago, and the tender part quietly gets left behind.

Swerving is not dishonesty. It is what people do when a feeling gets close, and it works, which is exactly why it is so easy to follow along.…

Five minutesEmotions as signalsEmotionally focusedQur’an 21:87One line of research

If a conversation has wandered off and you have lost the thread, go back to the last thing that had real feeling in it, and go back using the words they used.

Not a summary of those words. The actual phrase: 'you said she has her standards and you will never meet them, and your eyes went red when you said…

Five minutesEmotions as signalsEmotionally focusedQur’an 21:83One line of research

You do not have to reflect back everything a person just told you. Pick up the part that carries the weight and say that much.

A long, careful summary can flatten what someone has just risked saying. If the heart of it is that he feels defeated and frightened of never being…

Five minutesEmotions as signalsEmotionally focusedQur’an 15:97One line of research

When someone protests that swallowing their feelings is unnatural, agree with them, because it is. Then add the part they have not said: it is also necessary, and there are better ways to do it than swallowing.

Arguing that calm comes naturally costs you your credibility in a single sentence. Conceding the true half leaves nothing to defend, and the…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveCoreQur’an 2:157One line of research

When someone tells the story with every detail, the exact words, the way the door shut, what she was wearing, they are not wandering off the point. The detail is telling you how unsafe it felt.

Steering them back to the summary usually lands as being told their experience is a nuisance. Let it run a while and hear the detail as a reading of…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 6:59One line of research

You can be genuinely indignant and still say the thing evenly. The feeling does not have to travel in your voice.

Notice what actually changes when the heat comes out of it: the words stay, the point stays, the volume and the edge go. It helps to know beforehand…

Five minutesPractising under provocationCBTQur’an 41:34One line of research

Name the specific moment your partner was not there when you needed them most, and how deeply it wounded you.

Some wounds are attachment injuries: a betrayal or abandonment at a crucial moment of need that redefines the relationship as unsafe. Healing begins…

Five minutesRebuilding trustEmotionally focusedQur’an 12:86One line of research

If you caused the injury, acknowledge your partner's pain, own your part, and stay present with them; do not defend or flee.

The one who caused the wound helps most by receiving the pain, taking responsibility, and expressing genuine regret while staying emotionally…

Five minutesRebuilding trustEmotionally focusedQur’an 3:135One line of research

The partner who broke trust answers questions with complete transparency and hides nothing going forward.

Rebuilding trust means an open life: whereabouts, contacts, the truth, offered freely rather than pried out.

Five minutesRebuilding trustGottmanQur’an 9:119One line of research

The one who caused the hurt listens to the pain non-defensively, without excuses, as long as it is needed.

Do not rush the hurt partner or defend yourself. Bear their anger and grief with patience; it is part of repair.

Five minutesRebuilding trustGottmanQur’an 42:43One line of research

Aim for real forgiveness that comes with repair, not a cheap forgiveness that papers over the wound to keep the peace.

Forgiving too fast, before atonement and change, buries the injury alive. True forgiveness follows real repair.

Five minutesRebuilding trustGottmanQur’an 24:22One line of research

You can mean something completely, drive most of the way there with it in your head, and still turn left instead of right. Meaning it and doing it are two separate events, and only one of them is visible to anyone else.

To a partner, the missed errand looks like a verdict on where they come in your order of things. It helps to say out loud, at a calm moment rather…

Five minutesRemembering to do itADHD skillsQur’an 12:42One line of research

Saying it is done when it is not is a common next step, and it makes more sense than it looks. The lie is rarely about the parcel, it is a way out of the look on somebody's face.

It also makes everything worse, because being found out turns a forgotten task into a trust problem, and that is a much longer repair. If this is…

Five minutesRemembering to do itADHD skillsQur’an 2:283One line of research

You will still forget things. What decides how much damage a missed task does is usually the ten minutes after you notice, not the miss itself.

Two moves reliably make it worse: sinking into shame until you cannot look at the person, and defending yourself as though nothing had been dropped.…

Five minutesRemembering to do itADHD skillsQur’an 18:24One line of research

Name what set you off, then tell the older story behind why it is a trigger for you.

Rewind to an earlier time you felt the same. Sharing that story helps your partner know you.

Five minutesRepair after ruptureGottmanQur’an 49:13One line of research