Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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69 practices

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End by each naming one thing you can do differently next time, and be agreeable to your partner's idea.

One concrete plan each, offered and accepted, turns a fight into something you both learn from.

A minuteRepair after ruptureGottmanQur’an 49:10One line of research

Own your share of the fight, even a small part. Say what set you up and what you regret.

I was stressed, I was short, I did not listen. Taking responsibility is the fastest road to repair.

A minuteRepair after ruptureGottmanQur’an 4:135One line of research

Name what set you off, then tell the older story behind why it is a trigger for you.

Rewind to an earlier time you felt the same. Sharing that story helps your partner know you.

Five minutesRepair after ruptureGottmanQur’an 49:13One line of research

When your spouse names a wound you caused, listen without defending, even once.

Not I didn't mean to. First: I hear that I hurt you, and I am sorry. Defence can wait.

Twenty minutesRepair after ruptureEmotionally focusedQur’an 4:135Seen more than once

Revisit a past fight only once you are both calm, from the balcony, without climbing back into it.

Processing means talking about the incident, not re-fighting it. Wait until the heat is gone.

Twenty minutesRepair after ruptureGottmanQur’an 4:128One line of research

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

Shame

The moment before you snap

Moving your body

Getting assessed and diagnosed

That flash of temper when someone meets a fact that undoes their story is not stupidity. It is a mind defending its own shape, which is a real need rather than a shameful one.

Say this to yourself before you say anything to them, because contempt carries in the voice even when it stays out of the words. Being wrong and not…

Five minutesRighteous anger and perfectionismCoreQur’an 2:286One line of research

It is a genuine relief to hear that what someone did online may not reflect who they are. Say that gently, and say the other half in the same breath: the people who saw it will judge it as though it does.

Both halves are true and they need each other. Offer only the first and you have handed over a reason for nothing to change. Offer only the second…

Five minutesScreens and attentionCoreQur’an 17:36One line of research

A young person on the sofa with their phone looks like nothing is happening. From the inside it is often the first hour all day that has asked nothing of them.

Both readings are true, and the argument is usually about which one gets said out loud. Naming the second one to a parent takes a surprising amount…

Five minutesScreens and attentionCBTQur’an 2:286One line of research

Before a phone gets taken away, it is worth asking what else goes with it. For a lot of young people the group chat is where their friendships actually live, and losing it leaves them alone at the moment they most need someone.

This is not an argument against limits. It is an argument for knowing what you are cutting. If the same device carries the friendships, the homework…

Five minutesScreens and attentionCBTQur’an 25:67One line of research

A screen is a privilege, not something a person is owed. Food, clothes, a warm home, medical care, school, being loved: those are owed, and a phone is not on that list.

Saying this plainly gives a household something firmer than mood to stand on when limits are set. It also keeps two things apart. The care and the…

Five minutesScreens and attentionADHD skillsQur’an 7:31One line of research

When someone misuses a device, sending explicit messages or piling on to someone or going where they should not, the useful read is that they were not ready for that much freedom yet. Not that they are a bad person.

Readiness gives you somewhere to go. You can name the skill that was missing, hand back a smaller amount of access, and set out what would show they…

Five minutesScreens and attentionADHD skillsQur’an 96:6One line of research

When someone says they did not really mean it, that it was not really them, the temptation is to hear an excuse. It is usually better information than that.

Take the disowning seriously and ask what state it came out of. What time was it, how long had they been online, what had happened that day, had they…

Twenty minutesScreens and attentionCoreQur’an 96:7One line of research

When someone has missed the deadline again, the talk about how they always do this changes nothing except how they feel. If you want a different Friday, the conversation belongs on Monday, and it is about the plan rather than the person.

This is a hard one, because the frustration is real and often fair. But the lecture lands on a system that was never the failure point, and it adds…

A minuteYour sense of timeADHD skillsQur’an 103:3One line of research

People rarely stop at you are late. They move on to what sort of person is late, and then it is about respect and reliability rather than about time. You have probably taken that account on board yourself.

Naming the jump out loud helps, at home and at work: this is a difficulty with timing, here is what I am putting in place, and it is not a comment on…

Five minutesYour sense of timeADHD skillsQur’an 17:11One line of research

There is a real difference between not caring and not knowing how. A lot of what gets called failing at a relationship is simply a skill nobody ever taught you.

If you go blank when your partner cries, or answer hurt with logic, ask who ever showed you anything better. Probably nobody did. A gap like that can…

Five minutesShameEmotionally focusedQur’an 93:7One line of research

Sometimes you dislike a person or a room before you can say why. The fast part of you stores feelings, not explanations, so the reaction arrives whole and wordless.

If you cannot account for your reaction, you are not being evasive, and neither is anyone else who cannot account for theirs. Asking "why are you…

Five minutesThe moment before you snapCoreQur’an 23:97One line of research

A calming skill handed over at the wrong moment reads as your anger is not welcome here. For someone taught as a child that their anger was unacceptable, that is the old prohibition arriving again in kinder clothes.

Let the anger be seen first. Say that it makes sense, that there is a reason for it, and only then offer anything that settles the body. The order…

Five minutesTolerate distressDBT skillsQur’an 2:45One line of research

The point of explaining ADHD to a parent is to produce a particular kind of parent: one who is kind about it, quick to forgive the day's failures, and willing to make a nuisance of themselves at school.

Those three are results, not manners. Harsh days breed pushing back, pushing back breeds harsher days, and that loop is the main road from ADHD to a…

Five minutesTreatment and medicationADHD skillsQur’an 2:286One line of research

Before you fix or argue, validate: that makes sense, I can see why you feel that. It cools the heat.

People calm down when they feel understood, not corrected. Understanding first, solutions later.

A minuteValidate yourself and othersDBT skillsQur’an 41:34One line of research

The teenager with ADHD is often the one who admits it while everyone else produces a story. That is not worse judgement about right and wrong, it is less thinking ahead about how it will land.

Parents can read a caution or a suspension as proof of a moral problem, when the honesty in the room points the other way. Instead of a lecture,…

Five minutesWhat ADHD actually isADHD skillsQur’an 17:11One line of research