Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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69 practices

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After a hard moment today, hold each other before you move on.

Words can wait. A held embrace after conflict settles the body and the bond.

A minuteAffection and touchEmotionally focusedQur’an 2:187One line of research

Whatever is driving it, behaviour that frightens someone is frightening. The reason behind it does not soften what it was like to stand on the other side of it.

Two people can do something that looks identical from outside and mean quite different things by it. That difference matters for what will help the…

A minuteWhen anger turns to harmCoreQur’an 24:15One line of research

Working out what someone meant by hurting another person is a conversation for the person who did it. Said to the one who was harmed, they were not really trying to hurt you lands as being talked out of your own experience.

Anyone who has been on the receiving end of violence has usually spent a long time being told it was not what it was. Even a kindly meant explanation…

A minuteWhen anger turns to harmCoreQur’an 4:148One line of research

Try swapping the word. Instead of I got aggressive, try I was defending myself, because that is much closer to what your body thought it was doing at the time.

The word you reach for decides what happens next. Aggressive is a verdict on your character, and verdicts send people into hiding. Defending yourself…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 20:67One line of research

Anger is often a bluff, a show of size put on by something that feels small. Knowing that is not an insult to you, it is probably the most useful thing you can know about it.

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

Bringing the future closer

Your nervous system

The bluff works on other people, and it works on you too, which is why the voice gets biggest right at the moment you feel most exposed. You do not…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 4:28One line of research

Losing your temper is the easy move. Staying with the fear underneath is the hard one, in the way that dropping something is easier than holding it steady on your fingertip.

This matters most if some part of you is proud of the temper. Nothing about it is strong, it is simply quicker, and quick is what you reach for when…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 2:38One line of research

Holding yourself in is effortful for everybody, every time. When it slips you have not uncovered a permanent fault in yourself.

The story people tell after a lapse usually does more damage than the lapse. One bad evening becomes proof, proof becomes despair, and despair makes…

A minuteThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 4:28One line of research

People stop telling the truth to anyone who argues with it. Being easy to be honest with is a skill, and it has to be visible from the outside.

Notice what you do in the first three seconds after hearing something you did not want to hear. The explaining, the yes but, the small correction of…

A minuteBringing the future closerADHD skillsQur’an 14:7One line of research

When a fight starts, name the pattern you both fall into, not the fault in them.

We are doing the thing where I push and you go quiet. The cycle is the enemy, not you.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 3:103Seen more than once

Catch the cycle one move earlier today, before it picks up speed.

The first tightening, the first sharp word. Name it there, when it is still small.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 41:36One line of research

Name your own move in the dance today: I chase when I am scared, or I go quiet.

Not their part. Yours. Owning your step in the pattern is what starts to change it.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 7:23Seen more than once

Say it out loud in the next argument: it is us against this pattern, not me against you.

Realign the sides. The two of you on one team, the cycle on the other.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 49:10One line of research

Notice if one of you chases and one retreats, and name that gently.

The more I push, the more you pull back, and round it goes. See the loop, out loud.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 41:34One line of research

If you both go silent and distant, name the freeze rather than waiting it out.

We have both gone quiet and cold. One of us has to reach first. Let it be you.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 4:35One line of research

Notice the moment a fight really began, often a small hurt, and name that, not the surface.

It started when I felt dismissed, not with the dishes. Find the true first domino.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 33:70One line of research

Step out of the spiral by naming it: there is our cycle again, can we start over.

The name is the exit. Calling the pattern out loud loosens its grip on you both.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 49:10One line of research

In the next hard moment, speak from the soft feeling under the sharp one.

Not you never listen. I feel small when I am not heard. The softer truth de-escalates.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 33:70Seen more than once

Name your part in the last tangle without a single word of blame attached.

I got defensive and shut you out. Full stop, no and you. Clean ownership softens things.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 7:23Seen more than once

Before you speak in anger today, ask what you are afraid of underneath it.

Usually it is a version of: I am afraid I do not matter to you. Say that instead.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 13:28Seen more than once

Share the hurt instead of the accusation in your next hard conversation.

That hurt me is easier to hear than that was cruel. The wound, not the charge.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictEmotionally focusedQur’an 33:70Seen more than once