Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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69 practices

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Raise the complaint without the words always or never.

One specific moment can be repaired; a sweeping verdict on their character cannot.

A minuteFondness and admirationCoreQur’an 49:12Seen more than once

Four steps you can do in ten seconds in the middle of anything: stop, take one breath, look at what is actually happening, then carry on.

It fits inside an argument, a shopping queue, the second before you send a message you will regret. The value is not the breath itself, it is the…

A minuteGrounding and settlingMindfulnessQur’an 7:205Long taught, never tested

If you held back at four o'clock and then snapped at seven, the holding back still happened. A later slip does not reach backwards and cancel it.

All or nothing scoring is the quickest route from one lapse to giving the whole thing up: I lost it, so none of it was working, so why bother. Count…

A minuteMaking it stickMindfulnessQur’an 18:24One line of research

Ask what is happening in the body right now, in the moment it happens, rather than asking afterwards what the feeling was.

A shutdown is quickest to catch while it is switching on. The question that works is small and physical: what is happening in your chest, your…

A minuteWhen you go numbEmotionally focusedQur’an 16:78One line of research

When you catch yourself dodging, just note it. Telling yourself off adds shame to a moment that already had plenty going on.

There is a difference between seeing what you did and grading it. Seeing keeps it available as a choice next time, while grading makes you want to…

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

Bringing the future closer

Your nervous system

A minutePractising under provocationCBTQur’an 16:127One line of research

When something you thought in the moment actually worked, name it. A line you produced yourself is worth more than any phrase handed to you.

It might be as ordinary as noticing that this person does not know you, or that none of this will matter next week. Write it down while you still…

A minutePractising under provocationCBTQur’an 7:201One line of research

Going silent and hard is not a neutral act. A fixed stare and a set brow land on the other person's body as threat, even though you have not said a word.

People often think they are being restrained when they go cold, and are then surprised by how frightened or defensive the other person becomes. If…

A minutePractising under provocationCBTQur’an 25:63One line of research

Offer genuine remorse, not a rushed sorry. Sincere turning back is where the return begins.

Remorse that is felt and shown, not performed to end the discomfort, is the seed of rebuilt trust.

A minuteRebuilding trustGottmanQur’an 66:8One line of research

Do not rush to analyze why it happened. That comes much later, and never as a way to shift blame.

Digging into causes too early invites excuses and self-blame. First transparency and remorse, then, in time, understanding.

A minuteRebuilding trustGottmanQur’an 17:36One line of research

When a task is missed it is usually not sitting somewhere being refused. It has gone off the radar altogether, the way a name goes when somebody asks you for it.

The refusal reading is the expensive one, because it turns a lapse into an insult and starts the argument in the one place where nothing can be…

A minuteRemembering to do itADHD skillsQur’an 2:225One line of research

Offer a full, tender apology for a wound, with no defence appended.

I see how that hurt you, and I am truly sorry. Then stop. The silence after is the repair.

A minuteRepair after ruptureEmotionally focusedQur’an 42:40Seen more than once

After a fight cools today, say the reconnecting thing: we are still okay.

The fight can leave a quiet fear. Naming that you are still solid puts it to rest.

A minuteRepair after ruptureEmotionally focusedQur’an 49:10Seen more than once

Find the part of the last argument that was yours, and own it with no but after it.

Even ten percent. I was harsh, that was on me. Ownership without defence lets them soften.

A minuteRepair after ruptureGottmanQur’an 7:23Seen more than once

Make one repair attempt in the middle of a disagreement: a softer word, a small joke, a hand.

The couples who last are not those who never fight, but those who reach for each other mid-fight.

A minuteRepair after ruptureCoreQur’an 49:10Seen more than once

Accept their repair attempt even while you are still a little angry.

Letting a small peace offering land, before you feel finished, is its own kind of strength.

A minuteRepair after ruptureCoreQur’an 42:40Seen more than once

Take the word if out of your apology.

An apology with if in it quietly takes itself back; without it, the apology is whole.

A minuteRepair after ruptureCoreQur’an 41:34One line of research

Let go of one old grievance about something they have already changed.

Holding a debt they have already paid keeps the wound open to no one's good.

A minuteRepair after ruptureCoreQur’an 64:14Seen more than once

When you process a fight, share how you felt, gently, without yet saying why.

Name the feeling, aloud, and leave the case for later. Do not comment on your partner's feelings.

A minuteRepair after ruptureGottmanQur’an 33:70One line of research

Describe your own reality with I heard you say, not you said. Leave room to be corrected.

Report only what you saw, heard, and felt, like a reporter, not what you think they meant.

A minuteRepair after ruptureGottmanQur’an 49:12One line of research

End by each naming one thing you can do differently next time, and be agreeable to your partner's idea.

One concrete plan each, offered and accepted, turns a fight into something you both learn from.

A minuteRepair after ruptureGottmanQur’an 49:10One line of research