Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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210 practices

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One sign that the heat has come off a little: you can hold I am furious with you and you probably did not mean it in the same moment, without dropping either one.

In the middle of an argument that second thought is simply not available, and its absence is not a failure of character. It comes back as the arousal…

Twenty minutesFeelings and focusADHD skillsQur’an 42:37One line of research

Some people are done with an argument in ten minutes. If the person you live with needs three hours, your quick recovery can look to them like proof that you never cared.

Say the mismatch out loud when things are calm, so that it is understood before the next row rather than argued about during it. If you are the fast…

Twenty minutesFeelings and focusADHD skillsQur’an 7:199One line of research

Saying I need a break only works if you have agreed beforehand what a break means. How long it lasts, what the other person does meanwhile, and when the two of you come back to it.

Settle it on a calm evening. Twenty minutes, no following, no messages in between, and we sit back down at nine. Then keep the return time exactly,…

Twenty minutesFeelings and focusADHD skillsQur’an 8:46One line of research

Raise the complaint without the words always or never.

One specific moment can be repaired; a sweeping verdict on their character cannot.

A minuteFondness and admirationCoreQur’an 49:12Seen more than once

How an outburst ends tells you more than how it starts. Give an ADHD storm some room and it often burns itself out. The rage that runs for an hour with the lights out behind the eyes is a different animal, and so is the child who genuinely does not mind what you take away.

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

Making it stick

Getting assessed and diagnosed

Grounding and settling

Use your strengths

Fondness and admiration

Validate yourself and others

Righteous anger and perfectionism

Facing it a step at a time

Breaking the worry loop

Anger, alcohol and the body

Moving your body

Ask the parents to walk you through the last three. What set it off, how long it ran, what stopped it, what the child was like an hour afterwards.…

Five minutesGetting assessed and diagnosedADHD skillsQur’an 2:31One line of research

When a child truly does not mind losing the privilege, taking more away will not get you anywhere. That is the moment to change approach rather than raise the stakes, usually to a structured parent programme that works on the pattern between parent and child.

Star charts fail with these children because the reward was never the point of the behaviour. What helps is a proper course of parent management…

LongerGetting assessed and diagnosedADHD skillsQur’an 3:159One line of research

Four steps you can do in ten seconds in the middle of anything: stop, take one breath, look at what is actually happening, then carry on.

It fits inside an argument, a shopping queue, the second before you send a message you will regret. The value is not the breath itself, it is the…

A minuteGrounding and settlingMindfulnessQur’an 7:205Long taught, never tested

If you held back at four o'clock and then snapped at seven, the holding back still happened. A later slip does not reach backwards and cancel it.

All or nothing scoring is the quickest route from one lapse to giving the whole thing up: I lost it, so none of it was working, so why bother. Count…

A minuteMaking it stickMindfulnessQur’an 18:24One line of research

The old angry route does not get deleted. What you are building is a rival route beside it, and at the start the new one is small.

Expect the old path to show up when you are tired, ill or caught off guard, because it is still there and it is well worn. That is not proof the work…

Five minutesMaking it stickCoreQur’an 11:115One line of research

Talk first, move second. Ending a hard conversation with something physical gives the body a route back down.

This works for a therapy group and it works for an evening at home. Say the difficult thing, then walk, stretch, wash up, anything that puts you back…

Twenty minutesMoving your bodyBody basedQur’an 62:10One line of research

Ask what is happening in the body right now, in the moment it happens, rather than asking afterwards what the feeling was.

A shutdown is quickest to catch while it is switching on. The question that works is small and physical: what is happening in your chest, your…

A minuteWhen you go numbEmotionally focusedQur’an 16:78One line of research

The same sentence lands completely differently depending on who says it. If nothing stirs when it is described second hand, let the person it belongs to say it to you directly.

A therapist repeating what your partner said is information. Your partner turning to you and saying it, in their own voice, is an event. That is why…

Five minutesWhen you go numbEmotionally focusedQur’an 8:2One line of research

Rather than arguing with someone who says they feel nothing, say plainly what would ordinarily hurt about it. Hearing that the person you love is disappointed in you is a hard thing to hear.

Said warmly, this is not a challenge. It sets out what a person would usually feel and leaves them to notice the gap between that and what they are…

Five minutesWhen you go numbEmotionally focusedQur’an 15:97One line of research

When you catch yourself dodging, just note it. Telling yourself off adds shame to a moment that already had plenty going on.

There is a difference between seeing what you did and grading it. Seeing keeps it available as a choice next time, while grading makes you want to…

A minutePractising under provocationCBTQur’an 16:127One line of research

When something you thought in the moment actually worked, name it. A line you produced yourself is worth more than any phrase handed to you.

It might be as ordinary as noticing that this person does not know you, or that none of this will matter next week. Write it down while you still…

A minutePractising under provocationCBTQur’an 7:201One line of research

Going silent and hard is not a neutral act. A fixed stare and a set brow land on the other person's body as threat, even though you have not said a word.

People often think they are being restrained when they go cold, and are then surprised by how frightened or defensive the other person becomes. If…

A minutePractising under provocationCBTQur’an 25:63One line of research

A cut heals and you stop thinking about it. An insult has no moment where the body tells you it is over, so it stays available to be replayed for years.

That is worth knowing, because it explains why a remark from a decade ago can still tighten your chest, and why you are not weak for that. The…

Five minutesPractising under provocationCBTQur’an 42:43One line of research

Working on anger is not meant to leave you with nothing to say. The aim is to keep the objection and let go of the force it was riding on.

Two things are worth pulling apart: whether something has genuinely gone wrong, and how hot your body has gone about it. A good share of the heat…

Five minutesPractising under provocationCBTQur’an 16:126One line of research

You can be genuinely indignant and still say the thing evenly. The feeling does not have to travel in your voice.

Notice what actually changes when the heat comes out of it: the words stay, the point stays, the volume and the edge go. It helps to know beforehand…

Five minutesPractising under provocationCBTQur’an 41:34One line of research

Offer genuine remorse, not a rushed sorry. Sincere turning back is where the return begins.

Remorse that is felt and shown, not performed to end the discomfort, is the seed of rebuilt trust.

A minuteRebuilding trustGottmanQur’an 66:8One line of research