Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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312 practices

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On a core disagreement, tell your partner the story behind your position: where it comes from, what it means to you.

Behind a firm stance is usually a history and a dream. Share yours honestly instead of just defending it.

Five minutesKnowing your partnerGottmanQur’an 49:13One line of research

Tell your spouse about a raw spot, an old tender place that still gets touched.

When you go quiet I feel abandoned, like I did as a child. Name the ache, not the blame.

Twenty minutesKnowing your partnerEmotionally focusedQur’an 17:24One line of research

Ask one open question about their inner world tonight, and just listen to the whole answer.

What are you hoping for lately, what are you dreading. Questions with no single answer.

Twenty minutesKnowing your partnerGottmanQur’an 30:21One line of research

Ask your spouse about a moment from their childhood that shaped them, and listen closely.

What comfort felt like then, what they longed for. It still lives in how they love now.

Twenty minutesKnowing your partnerGottmanQur’an 17:24One line of research

Reflect your partner's feeling back to them in simple, slow, soft words, using their own words where you can.

Empathic reflection, gently naming and mirroring back what your partner is feeling, tells them they are not alone in it. Keep it slow, simple, and…

A minuteListening and understandingEmotionally focusedQur’an 20:44

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

What you are actually defending

Practising under provocation

Choosing your response

Use your strengths

What ADHD actually is

One line of research

Once a day, take your partner's emotional temperature. Ask how are you doing, and mean it.

Not out of politeness, but because you truly want to know. Small check-ins build trust over time.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 2:83One line of research

When your partner talks, shift the focus off yourself. It is not about being interesting, it is about being interested.

Postpone your own agenda for a while. Tune into their world before you bring yours.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 39:18One line of research

Try to see the situation from your partner's side, not your own. Assume there is a good reason they feel as they do.

Their reality has its own validity. Start by looking for why it makes sense, not why it is wrong.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 24:12One line of research

Ask open questions that cannot be answered yes or no, then really listen to the answer.

Tell me the story of that opens the heart. Follow up on what you hear instead of waiting to talk.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 39:18One line of research

Hold your advice until you fully understand, or until it is asked for. Understanding always comes before solutions.

Words of understanding must precede any words of advice. Always. Fix later, if at all.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 17:53One line of research

Say back what you heard, then validate: I hear you saying this, and it makes sense you would feel that way.

Validation is not agreement. It is showing you understand even part of their experience.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 41:34One line of research

Take your love needs to your partner, not outside the relationship. Going outside almost always makes it worse.

When something is missing, ask for it at home. Seeking it elsewhere deepens the wound.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 17:32One line of research

Under every complaint or hard feeling there is a longing. Listen for the wish underneath.

Behind the anger or sadness is a desire. Find the longing and you find what they actually need.

Five minutesListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 3:119One line of research

When your partner is angry, do not take it personally or rush to apologize. Ask what the anger is protecting.

All anger has a goal and something blocking it. Find both. What do you need is a good question.

Five minutesListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 7:199One line of research

When your partner is sad, do not try to cheer them up or fix it. Find out what is lost or missing.

You are a traveler; they are the guide into their own landscape of sadness. Let them show you.

Five minutesListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 12:86One line of research

When your partner is afraid, do not minimize it or reassure it away. Ask what is making them feel unsafe.

To a fearful person, do not worry can feel like ridicule. Take the fear seriously and understand it.

Five minutesListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 20:46One line of research

Do not stay hidden. Tell your partner about your day, your worries, your inner world.

Hiding your reality to protect them keeps you strangers. Let them know you.

Five minutesListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 8:63One line of research

Going still and needing nothing is usually something a person worked out young, somewhere it was the sensible answer.

If reaching out met dismissal, or worse, then not reaching out is not a flaw of character. A child who stops asking, stops showing what they feel and…

Five minutesWhen you go numbEmotionally focusedQur’an 57:16One line of research

If you have someone safe to do it with, ask them to say the thing you dread being thought about you, on purpose, while you practise staying level.

Home is usually where the anger actually happens, so practice that stays in a therapy room or in your head only goes so far. Agree the words…

Five minutesPractising under provocationCBTQur’an 18:69One line of research

Offer genuine remorse, not a rushed sorry. Sincere turning back is where the return begins.

Remorse that is felt and shown, not performed to end the discomfort, is the seed of rebuilt trust.

A minuteRebuilding trustGottmanQur’an 66:8One line of research