Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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153 practices

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When fear or hurt makes you want to hide today, reach for your spouse instead.

The instinct is to withdraw. Do the opposite: move toward, take a hand, let them in.

A minuteAffection and touchEmotionally focusedQur’an 9:40One line of research

Touch them once today with nothing else attached.

A hand on the shoulder as you pass. Sitting close on the sofa. Reaching for their hand while you talk about nothing. No agenda, no next step. Just…

A minuteAffection and touchCoreQur’an 30:21One line of research

When somebody manages a partner through anger, it is worth asking what the control is guarding. Very often the answer is a fear of being left.

Telling someone that nobody else would have them is that fear turned into a weapon, and it usually arrives when the person feels furthest away.…

Five minutesThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 65:3One line of research

Give your spouse a few minutes of your full, undistracted attention today.

Not half-present behind a screen. Turned toward, eyes up, entirely here for a moment.

A minuteAnswering bidsEmotionally focusedQur’an 39:18Seen more than once

Answer one bid for closeness today that you might have let pass.

The come see this, the small touch, the story. Turn toward it, do not scroll past it.

A minuteAnswering bidsEmotionally focusedQur’an 2:263

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

Listening and understanding

Seen more than once

Send your spouse one reaching message in the middle of the day, for no reason.

Thinking of you. A small signal across the hours that says you are on my mind.

A minuteAnswering bidsEmotionally focusedQur’an 17:53One line of research

In a raw, vulnerable moment, ask your partner directly for comfort and reassurance instead of hiding the need.

When you are hurting, the brave move is to say plainly what you need, hold me, tell me we are okay, rather than testing your partner or going silent.…

A minuteAnswering bidsEmotionally focusedQur’an 28:24One line of research

Answer the small bid today: the passing comment is really a reach for your attention.

Look up, turn toward, respond. The weather remark is not about the weather.

A minuteAnswering bidsGottmanQur’an 4:86Seen more than once

Catch one bid you would normally miss today, a sigh, a pause, a look, and respond to it.

Many reaches are quiet. Tune to the small signals and turn toward one you would have passed.

A minuteAnswering bidsGottmanQur’an 50:16One line of research

When your spouse speaks to you today, put the phone down and give your whole face.

Divided attention says you are second. Undivided attention, even for a minute, says you are first.

A minuteAnswering bidsGottmanQur’an 39:18Seen more than once

In one decision today, let your spouse's view actually change yours.

Not conceding for peace. Finding the part of what they say that is right, and yielding to it.

A minuteAnswering bidsGottmanQur’an 42:38Seen more than once

When they share good news, ask a question about it.

The next time your spouse tells you something good, do not just say "that's great." Ask about it. How did it happen? What did you say? How did it…

A minuteAnswering bidsCoreQur’an 30:21Seen more than once

Do the small thing you said you would do.

Think of the smallest thing you told your spouse you would do and have not done. The call, the form, the shelf. Do it today, not because it matters,…

A minuteAnswering bidsCoreQur’an 17:34One line of research

Answer the small bid; the passing comment about the weather is really a reach for you.

Turning toward these tiny moments, again and again, is what quietly builds a bond.

A minuteAnswering bidsCoreQur’an 4:19Seen more than once

Do the smallest thing you said you would do and have not.

Small kept words are the quiet floor a marriage stands on.

A minuteAnswering bidsCoreQur’an 17:34One line of research

Before you respond, say back what you heard them mean.

Being understood, even before being agreed with, settles almost everything.

A minuteAnswering bidsCoreQur’an 42:38Seen more than once

People stop telling the truth to anyone who argues with it. Being easy to be honest with is a skill, and it has to be visible from the outside.

Notice what you do in the first three seconds after hearing something you did not want to hear. The explaining, the yes but, the small correction of…

A minuteBringing the future closerADHD skillsQur’an 14:7One line of research

Running late is one thing. Running late with no message is two things. If it is the text that keeps going missing, put a small cost on the text specifically: no message, you do the washing up.

Worth separating, because they really are separate problems and the second is much cheaper to solve. Remembering to send something while you are…

A minuteBringing the future closerADHD skillsQur’an 99:7One line of research

A new response cannot be laid on top of a cycle that is still turning. Break the circle first, even clumsily, and the room for something else appears.

Interrupting looks small and slightly silly: standing up, walking to another room, going quiet mid sentence, putting the phone face down.…

A minuteChoosing your responseCoreQur’an 28:55One line of research

There is a difference between stepping out and storming out, and most of it sits in whether the other person knows you are coming back.

Two failures sit either side of this one. The first is staying in the room until something is said that cannot be unsaid. The second is going quiet…

Five minutesChoosing your responseGottmanQur’an 43:89One line of research