Practices

Raise the issue as a complaint about a behavior, not an attack on their character. Skip you always and you never.

I was scared when you did not call is a complaint. You are so selfish is an attack. Aim for the first.

Open a hard topic with I feel, about what, I need. Ask for what you want, do not expect mind-reading.

I feel upset that the dishes are left out. I would appreciate the kitchen cleaned at night. Clear and kind.

When you spot a fault in your partner, look for it in yourself; when you claim a virtue, look for it in them.

This assumption of similarity keeps you humble and softens contempt in the middle of a disagreement.

Speak in I-statements about a specific situation. Drop the you-statements, the blame, and the always and never.

I felt worried when the call did not come lands. You are so thoughtless attacks. Stay with I and the specific.

When it heats up today, slow everything down: your voice, your breath, your pace.

Speed is the fuel of a fight. Halve your tempo and the heat drops with it.

If you are the critical one, risk the soft feeling under the anger and ask, gently, for what you need instead of attacking.

Criticism is often a protest from someone who feels alone and unmet. Softening, letting your partner see the hurt beneath the sharpness and asking…

When you feel flooded today, name it and take a real break before you say a word.

Racing heart, tight chest, that is the signal. Step away, breathe, come back when steady.

On a break, do not rehearse how wronged you are. Let the grievance go and let your body settle.

Thoughts like I do not have to take this keep you flooded. Turn to something calming instead.

On a stuck, recurring fight, stop trying to persuade. First explore the dream or value behind each position.

Gridlock rarely yields to argument. Set persuasion aside and get curious about what the issue means to each of you.

Before you try to persuade, summarize your partner's position back until they say yes, that is it.

No persuasion lands until your partner feels understood. Interview them, then reflect their view to their satisfaction.

If you go silent and shut down, do not just stonewall. Say you need a break, and come back when calm.

Silent withdrawal makes it worse. Name that you are overwhelmed, take twenty minutes, then re-engage.

When either of you floods, take a real break of at least twenty minutes before continuing, and agree when to return.

Past a certain heat the body cannot hear reason. Stop, settle, and come back at the time you set.

Anger is the most physical of the feelings. It goes straight into the muscles, so talking yourself out of it while your arms are already ready to move is hard work.

This is why advice that stays in the head tends to slide off anger in particular. Something has to change in the body as well: the breath slowed, the…

Anger has a shape you can learn: jaw tightening, breathing heavier, heat in the face, and often a strange busyness in the hands. Find your own two or three.

The hands are worth watching, because they tend to say something before you do. Fingers curling, a grip tightening on the steering wheel, a mug held…